The Return of Brian
by DecaTilde
Summary: In this Orb-of-Time-universe retelling of "Life of Brian", after Stewie destroys his time machine due to too many close calls with altering the past, he regrets his decision when something unthinkable happens to New Brian. But will Stewie cheer up even after his former best friend returns home?
1. Natives and Guns

_The Return of Brian_

based on _Family Guy_ Season 12 Episode 6 - "Life of Brian"

but in the _Orb of Time_ universe

by LDEJRuff

* * *

Author's note: Yeah, I know I'm not yet done writing "Brian vs. Vinny?", but _this_ idea just popped into my head. I just wanted to write another _Orb of Time_ universe story based on a _Family Guy_ episode, this time, about what would happen before New Brian would meet with an accident, and what would happen after Brian would return home with the Griffins. So, anyway, here's _The Return of Brian_.

* * *

Chapter 1 - Natives and Guns

* * *

New Brian and Stewie ran away screaming from a Jeep full of armed Native Americans, wielding guns.

"Hurry, N.B.!" Stewie called to his Border Collie friend. "They're gaining on us!"

They took a quarter turn right to cross the bridge, but stopped short to see another group of Natives running on foot in front of them to shoot at them, and the Jeep Natives behind them.

"Dammit, Stewie, we're surrounded!" New Brian feared.

To avoid getting shot, the duo jumped into the river and swam away from the Natives.

"Crap," one of the Natives regarded after failing to shoot the two. "They got away."

"Better call the boss," another Native replied.

With that, he tried to set up a fire by rubbing sticks together, but with poor results.

"Damn," he continued. "I'm not getting a good smoke signal here."

Cue the Native rimshot.

* * *

After swimming to safety, and from exhaustion, our duo hid behind some bushes to avoid being seen by various Natives milling above them.

"Dammit, Stewie," New Brian regarded, catching breath. "What the hell did you do?"

"I know," Stewie replied, "I messed up."

"'I messed up'?" New Brian mocked. "You went back in time to 1607 Jamestown and you gave guns to Native Americans. Now look what you did, they're running everything!"

"I said I messed up, okay?" Stewie shrugged. "I just have this pathological need to be liked."

"Well, it's not a good trait," New Brian replied. "Thanks to you, the Natives murdered the Englishmen and took over America!"

"Why are you being such a douche, New Brian?"

" _You're_ the one who altered the past, not me!"

"Oh, come on, New Brian, let's be honest, I _frequently_ alter the past!"

"What?! Stewie, that's against the laws of science! If you alter the past, bad things are bound to happen!"

"Okay, look," Stewie halted. "I suggest we stop fighting and see what my meddling with the past did."

New Brian sighed disgustedly. "Fine."

Unseen by the Natives, our duo snuck into an alley, hid behind a dumpster and looked out onto the street.

"You know, Stewie," New Brian began, "it actually looks like the Natives have outdone themselves. I mean, they seem to have a lot of shops."

On this, a Jean Jacket store had lots of customers exiting with the Jean Jackets they bought. A smaller store that sold other stuff started selling Jean Jackets as well, and many customers walked in.

"And it looks like they have medical care as well," Stewie replied, pointing to a hospital. "And their popular music is interesting. Well, no matter," he continued as he and New Brian backed away. "We better restore things to the way they were. Let's go back to Jamestown and undo... Uh-oh."

"What?" New Brian asked. "What is it?"

"The return pad!" With that, Stewie pulled out said return pad for his time machine from his backpack. It was badly damaged. "Looks like it took some bullets during our escape." He tried pressing the button on it, but it didn't work. "Well, I guess we have no choice, N.B."

"What do you mean?" New Brian replied.

"I'm afraid our only hope is that perhaps the alternate Stewie in this universe has created his own time machine that we can use."

"Let's hope so," New Brian shrugged. "Otherwise, we'll be goners."

"Yeah," Stewie agreed, "or be transferred to some kind of white people reservation."

 **Cutaway:** We see a couple of white-skinned people at a reservation. A couple Natives passed by in their car. The passenger Native tried to tip the white people.

"Don't give them any money," the driver told the passenger. "They're just gonna spend it all on deviled eggs."


	2. Setting Things Right

Chapter 2 - Setting Things Right

* * *

That night, Stewie and New Brian snuck below the window of their Native family counterparts' living room from outside their tipi (which is what the Natives call their houses). Native Peter had returned from work then.

"Well, there's my brave warrior," Native Lois greeted her husband. She sat with her children. "How was work today?"

"Oh, it was annoying," Native Peter answered. "Everyone was coming around with their daughters, selling Girl Scout corn. They made me feel guilty, I had to buy, like, twenty ears."

A raccoon with the same head fur and facial features New Brian had came in, and he, too, wore the same neck scarf. This was the Native version of New Brian, or "Raccoon New Brian" as he was called.

"Don't worry, Peter," Raccoon New Brian assured. "Nothing a little song won't cure."

"I don't have time to listen to your music, New Brian," Native Stewie replied. He had a Mohawk. "We're trying to watch _I Love Liquor_."

On the TV was a title card for an _I Love Lucy_ parody called _I Love Liquor_.

* * *

A bit later, Stewie and New Brian snuck into Native Stewie's bedroom through the window. They looked around a bit until...

"Look, there it is!"

New Brian pointed to a large wooden time machine in the corner of the room. A circular wooden pad, this time machine's return pad, was next to it.

"And it looks like he has a return pad, too," Stewie said, picking up the pad and putting it in his backpack. "All right, come on. Let's get back to Jamestown and set things right!"

With that, our duo got into the machine and disappeared in a flash of light.

* * *

They then appeared near the campsite of Chief Powhatan, and noticed their past counterparts giving the chief and his tribe the guns earlier.

"Look, there we are giving them the guns!" New Brian pointed.

The past counterparts dashed to their return pad and, unseen by the Powhatan tribe, disappeared in a flash.

"All right, come on," Stewie said. "We've got to get those guns back."

They approached the tribe.

"You forget something?" Chief Powhatan asked.

"Actually," Stewie began, "we've just learned that these guns are defective, and we're just gonna go ahead and take these back."

"Yeah," New Brian added. "Uh, you know how defective weaponry doesn't work right. It'll backfire."

"You sure you take guns back?" Chief Powhatan asked, a bit suspicious.

"Yeah," Stewie answered, as the tribe handed him the guns.

Once again unseen by the tribe, Stewie activated the return pad, with guns in hand, and disappeared with New Brian in a flash.

"No trust 'um pale face," Chief Powhatan regarded.

* * *

Our duo then reappeared in the normal bedroom, with guns still in hand.

"Well, everything looks like it should," New Brian said, looking around.

"Only one way to be certain," Stewie added, about to type on New Brian's laptop. "All right, let's do a quick search here...'Native American role models'...Zero results found. Looks like we did it, N.B."

New Brian was relieved. "Thank God." Pointing to the guns on the floor, he continued, "Hey, what are you gonna do with these guns?"

"I dunno," Stewie answered, "sell 'em to some ******-up kid?"


	3. The Time Machine and the Accident

Chapter 3 - The Time Machine and the Accident

* * *

Later that night, New Brian walked across the hallway when he heard a loud banging.

"What the heck is that?"

He opened the door to Stewie's room and saw that his baby friend was tearing his time machine in pieces.

"Stewie," New Brian continued, almost like he was shocked. "You're destroying your time machine?" Pause, as Stewie stopped for a moment. "That's great!" On this, he was overjoyed.

"Yeah, well," Stewie shrugged, "I kinda took your advice on altering the past being catastrophic. Besides, this thing nearly killed us about a hundred times, and yesterday was too close a call."

"Well, that is such a relief," New Brian replied. "Just promise me you won't do anything like _that_ again."

"I dunno if I can _keep_ promises, N.B.; I may think about rebuilding it should something unthinkable happen. But hey, at least I had fun with it. Last week, I time traveled ahead to Christmas so I wouldn't have to wait for the new toys to come out. Good thing I had enough allowance with me to get a new _Jolly Farm_ set."

 **Cutaway:** We see Stewie, dressed in a coat and hood at the toy store walking up to the cashier, handing the store clerk the _Jolly Farm Revue_ toy he picked up so he could ring it.

"Wow, good timing, little fella," said the clerk. "This just came out today."

"Yeah," Stewie chuckled. "I kinda knew that already."

"Would you like to donate an extra dollar to the Quahog Food Bank?" the clerk asked.

"Oh, sure," Stewie answered. "And would you like to come home and clean my toilet, while we're both doing stuff for each other?"

* * *

The next day at the city dump, after our duo watched the remains of the time machine get crushed on the conveyor belt, New Brian looked around a nearby trash pile.

"You know what they say, Stewie," New Brian began, "'one man's trash is another man's treasure.'"

"What do you mean?" Stewie asked.

"I mean, look at all this perfectly-good stuff that people just throw out for no reason. Take this hockey equipment, for example. It's in perfectly-good shape. Maybe we should take this home and get it set up, you know, get some fresh air and exercise."

"Well, I suppose I should use a new hobby now that the time machine is gone," Stewie agreed. "Besides, I was getting bored with that thing, anyway. You know, not every historical event is all it's cracked up to be."

* * *

Later that day, after New Brian and Stewie took said hockey equipment home with them, they were both ready for their game. New Brian was carrying the net while Stewie carried the hockey sticks. The two made their way to the street.

"Okay, N.B.," Stewie began, "I'm just putting this out there, but I'm a baby, and only dogs don't let babies win."

Finally, the two were on the road.

"God," New Brian said, "look at this day, huh? You know, usually, I'd be sitting inside writing songs, you'd be working on one of your machines, but here we are enjoying it."

"Yes, it _is_ a nice change of pace," Stewie agreed. Then, he realized, "Oh, wait. I got to go grab my knee pads. I was using them for...for...for this other thing. Anyway, I'll be right back."

Stewie made his way inside the house leaving New Brian to put the net together. However, before he could go any further, Stewie heard the sound of screeching tires. A car was carressing toward an unsuspecting New Brian. This shocked Stewie.

"N.B.," Stewie called, "look out!"

This got New Brian's attention. As soon as he turned his head in confusion, the car hit him, running him over. Stewie watched in horror.

"N.B.!" he cried before rushing to New Brian. The rest of the family heard Stewie's cry, and rushed outside.

"Oh, my God!" Lois cried in panic. The Griffins rushed to the sidewalk in horror to see New Brian's mangled body. "New Brian!" Lois continued, voice shaking. "New Brian, can you hear me?!"

"Holy crap," Peter added, horrified. "What the hell happened?!"

A squirrel came up to the dog's mangled body. "Aw, bummer, dude," the squirrel said sadly. "That guy rocked."


	4. A Goodbye, a Funeral, and a Return

Chapter 4 - A Goodbye, a Funeral, and a Return

* * *

The Griffins rushed New Brian over to the Veterinary Clinic, and had to sit in the waiting room for news of his fate.

"Mom," Meg began, worried, "is New Brian going to be okay?"

"I don't know, Meg," Lois answered. "But this is the best veterinarian in Quahog. New Brian's getting the finest care there is."

"He shared the ambulance with a cat," Stewie added.

Peter sat next to a calico cat with her right front leg in a sling.

"I sure wish I could adopt you," Peter addressed her, "but I'm not a cat person."

"That's okay, mister," the cat understood. "I'm just sorry about your dog."

The doctor came out of the operating room, with scrubs covered in blood. The Griffins got up.

"Doctor, how is he?" Lois asked. "Is he going to be okay?"

"I'm so sorry, Mrs. Griffin," the doctor answered her regrettably, "but New Brian's injuries are too severe for us to save him. I don't know how much longer he has, but I suggest that you all go in and say your goodbyes."

Everyone's eyes widened in shock and sadness, and they dropped their jaws. The news was that New Brian was dying. The doctor led them to the operating room, and they walked to the table where New Brian's nearly-lifeless body lied and bled freely.

"Oh, my God," Lois said, voice shaking. "New Brian, no!"

"I can't believe it," Peter added. "Y-You're really...?"

"Dammit, N.B.," Stewie said, "you _can't_ die. We were gonna do so many things together! We were gonna become windsurfers! I was gonna be a _little_ better than you, but we were _both_ gonna be good!"

New Brian struggled to move.

"You guys," Lois gasped. "I think he's trying to say something."

"You..." New Brian began, whispering. "You guys have made my life amazing. Thanks for everything..."

With that, New Brian smiled at his family, let out his dying breath, and slowly closed his eyes one last time. The doctor checked for a heartbeat as New Brian flat-lined, and turned to the Griffins.

"I'm sorry," he said. "He's gone."

"Oh, my God," Chris whispered, about to shed tears as the doctor walked away. "He's...?"

"Yes, Chris," Lois answered her son, following suit. "I'm afraid...I'm afraid that New Brian is dead!"

Peter and Lois held hands. Chris comforted Meg as she cried silently. Stewie's eyes trembled in sadness. The family then surrounded New Brian in a sad group hug.

* * *

The Griffins have returned home afterward. Peter, Lois, Meg and Chris have walked to the front door.

"Guys, I'm gonna need a few minutes alone upstairs," Peter said. "I got to do, like, a sad yank."

As they went inside, Stewie threw away the broken net and hockey sticks into the trash.

"Stupid street hockey," this Stewie gloated. "I wish we never _went_ to that dump. Oh, this is all _my_ fault. I'm the one who had to throw away the damn time machine and... Wait a minute." It was when he realized something. "That's it! I've just got to rebuild the time machine, and then I can go back and save New Brian!"

As Stewie ran inside the house, Mort drove his car to the side and noticed the broken hockey equipment.

"Oh," Mort said joyously. "Happy birthday, Neil."

* * *

Later that day at the farmers market, Stewie had reached his destination: Kabobs.

"Stewie," Yousef, the owner, greeted. "How are you?"

"Not well, Yousef," Stewie answered. "I need your help. I have to track down a titanium capacitor for a high-wattage mainframe I'm going to construct."

"Titanium capacitors?" Yousef repeated. "I'm sorry, but there's no way to get those anymore."

"What do you mean?" Stewie replied. "You've gotten them for me before."

"I know," Yousef answered, "but the one guy who made those drew a doodle of Mohammed, so he's not around anymore. He wasn't even doing it on purpose, just absent-mindedly while talking on the phone. But it was Mohammed, so, you know."

"Oh, that's awful," Stewie said, shocked. "Okay, Yousef. Thanks anyway."

And with that, Stewie walked off.

"Oh, dear, Rupert," Stewie addressed his teddy bear. "Without those capacitors, it will be completely impossible to build a functioning time machine." He stopped and sighed resignedly. "I guess this means that N.B. is...really gone for good."

* * *

A funeral was held for New Brian at the pet cemetery the next day. Stewie (held by Lois) and nearly the rest of the Griffins stood near New Brian's casket, where many attendees laid their roses. The Swansons were in front to greet the family.

"Thank you so much for coming, guys," Lois greeted them sadly. New Brian would be thankful that you're here."

"No problem, Lois," Joe replied.

"Where's Dad?" Meg asked Chris. "We're going to be starting soon."

"Oh, he's here," Chris answered her. "He just insisted on being the mysterious man who watches the funeral from across the street in the rain."

As Chris implied, Peter was watching the funeral from across the street in the rain.

"Then," Chris continued, "he's going to be the rich guy in the limo who drives by the funeral and shows no emotion."

Immediately following Chris's previous statement, Peter was inside a limousine and was emotionless.

"And now," Chris continued, "he's gonna be the old platoon mate who comes to pay his respects."

Contrary to what Chris said, Peter was dressed as someone else. "I decided to be the mistress who no one knew about 'til now, instead," he said.

* * *

The funeral had begun.

"Thank you, everyone, for coming today," Lois addressed the attendees sadly. "I know Peter wanted to say a few words." With that, she allowed Peter to deliver a eulogy in front of the casket.

"Oh, boy," Peter began, "this is, um... this is probably the worst pain I've ever had to go through, and I've sprained my ankle twice. Um, the truth is, New Brian wasn't just a dog. He was a very talented creature who brightened our lives. He was smart, he was loyal, and, I guess what I'm trying to say is, he was like a brother to me. And," Peter began to break down into tears before continuing, "I'm gonna spend the rest of my life missing him."

"We're _all_ gonna miss him, Peter," Lois said, holding his hand. "We're all gonna miss him very much."

The attendees, including Glenn, shed tears of sadness.

"Farewell, you lucky little bastard," he whispered.

As the casket was lowering into the grave, Stewie dropped one last rose to the top of it.

* * *

When the graveyard was bare save for the five remaining family members after the funeral was over, a familiar red-collared white Labrador retriever walked behind Stewie. It was the Griffins' previous dog, Brian.

"Hey, Stewie," he said, getting Stewie's attention.

"Hey, Brian," Stewie replied, still shedding tears. "Have you come to pay your respects to N.B., too?"

"Well," Brian answered, " _that_ and Lois called me to come back to you guys. She said that the void needed to be filled, and that you can't go on without a family dog in the family."

After hearing what Brian just said, he dried his eyes and started to smile.

"It's good to have you back, old friend."

Brian smiled, wagging his tail, and he gave Stewie a heartwarming hug.


	5. Brian Comforts Stewie

Chapter 5 - Brian Comforts Stewie

* * *

A month has passed, and the Griffins, now a family of six again with the re-addition of Brian, were having breakfast. Lois had made pancakes for the family, and had served Brian a plate.

"Here you go, Brian," she said, placing the plate on Brian's place on the table. "It just like how..." She sighed then. "...how New Brian served them, God rest his soul. I can't believe he's been gone a month."

"Well," Stewie sighed, "at least we still have the doggy door for Brian. I just hope Chris doesn't keep getting stuck in it."

Indeed, Chris _did_ get stuck.

"Every time, I get a little further in."

"When he was still alive," Lois continued, "I had my hopes that _you'd_ love them, Brian."

Brian took a bite.

"Oh, wow," he said in awe. "These pancakes are delicious. Just like the ones that IHOP serves."

 **Cutaway:** We see Brian at the IHOP, having some pancakes there.

"These pancakes are delicious," he said. "Just like the ones Applebee's serves."

 **Another cutaway:** We now see Brian at the Applebee's, having some pancakes there.

"These pancakes are delicious," he said. "Just like the ones McDonald's serves."

 **Another cutaway:** We see Brian at the McDonald's, having some pancakes there.

"These pancakes are okay," Brian simply said without emotion.

Back to the kitchen. Brian noticed that Stewie didn't eat _his_ pancakes.

"Hey, Stewie," he said, getting the baby's attention. "You haven't eaten _your_ pancakes."

"Sorry, Brian," Stewie replied. "I'm just not hungry, that's all."

Stewie got up from his high chair and walked away, sadly. Brian watched.

"Was it something I said?" Brian asked.

"Maybe you should talk to him," Peter requested. "I mean, he hasn't been smiling all month. Maybe a pep talk should cheer him up."

"Well, maybe I _should_ talk to him," Brian shrugged. "After all, it's been a good five seasons since I left you guys. I feel like you guys haven't aged a day."

* * *

Brian walked to Stewie's room after breakfast, and saw the baby playing with his blocks in solitude. He sighed and walked in.

"Hey, Stewie," he greeted. "Why are you in your room all alone?"

Stewie sighed. "Very well," he responded. "It's just that, well...I miss N.B., okay? Everyone was so thrilled with him after you left five seasons ago, including me. We enjoyed his cooking, his karaoke nights, and even the songs he wrote." He lowered his head then. "But now, there's only silence."

"Don't worry, Stewie," Brian assured. "It's going to be all right, now that I'm part of the family again."

"I know, Brian," Stewie replied. "But it just isn't the same. How do you know it'll be okay? You don't know what it's like to lose a friend."

"I had a thing happen to me when your mother called me back," Brian answered. "While you guys had New Brian, a dog by the name of Vinny gave _me_ a home to live in. It was a tiny apartment in downtown Providence. An old man named Leo owns that apartment. Before I came into the apartment, both Leo and Vinny lived a boring life. After I entered, it was peaceful."

"So," Stewie began, "are they still happy, even though you're not at the apartment?"

"I bet they are right now," Brian assured with a smile.

 **Cutaway:** We see Vinny, wearing his usual black collar, addressing us, the readers, by breaking the fourth wall.

"Hey, _Family Guy_ fans. I want to let Brian know that I'm having a wonderful time with Leo. Thanks to Brian, Leo's yoga classes were terrific. I hope we can meet again soon. Until then, see ya'."

With that, Vinny waved.

Back to Brian and Stewie.

"Anyway, even though New Brian is no longer around," Brian continued, "you can still remember the good times you guys had with him."

With those words, Stewie was emotionally moved.

"Thanks, Brian," he replied, smiling. "I think I feel better already."

Brian chuckled. "Bring it in, kid."

With that, Brian gave Stewie another heartwarming hug, like after the funeral.

"So, Stewie," Brian continued, "have you any stories for me to catch up on?"

"A lot, Brian," Stewie replied. "Most of them are still on DVD. If you'd like, I can fire them up for you."

* * *

That night, after Stewie had shown Brian a few DVD episodes, he got a little sleepy on the couch. Lois noticed when she got out of the kitchen.

"Well, at least watching those episodes from the last five seasons made him a little sleepy."

"I think he had a long day," Brian replied.

"Well, I think it's time for bed, Brian. I'll take Stewie upstairs."

"Actually, Lois," Brian replied, "I'll be sleeping in Stewie tonight."

"Well, isn't that nice." With that, Lois brought her son to his bedroom, and to his crib, while Brian followed. "Sleep tight, guys."

With that, Lois turned out the light while Brian made himself comfortable next to Stewie's crib. Stewie yawned and placed a hand on Brian.

"Good night, Brian," he said. "It's good to have you back."

"Good night, Stewie," Brian replied. "It's good to _be_ back."

With that, Brian went to sleep. A few seconds. Afterwards, there was a sound of breaking wind.

"Oh, come on, man," Stewie said, a little annoyed.

* * *

The End

* * *

Author's note: The first cutaway in the chapter is based on one in "The Man with Two Brians". And good news, fans: Vinny's coming back in the Season Premiere. Be sure to set your DVRs for "The Boys in the Band".


End file.
